Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Many many many many many many many moons

ago, I blogged about my "Journal Project," which I began in the fall of 2012, rereading all my old journals, which began in the mid 1990s. Once I reached 2011, I took some time off from it because I felt like it was all too new to relive. Recently, I got back to my journal project, and aside from a lot of insightful entries about the journal project (how meta), I have been able to relive so many wonderful moments with tiny Niko. So many first words, hikes, snuggles, etc., and more than one entry of shame at yelling at him. I wish I could say I have stopped yelling at my kids, but, um, nope. Anyway, here's some sweetness with my current notes in brackets:

"N just peed in the potty again right before his bath [this is a big deal]. He was pretty adorable today (when isn't he?) helping K mix the pizza dough and stuff [I still love watching them do projects together - woodworking, gardening, etc.]...

Niko and I had a fabulous afternoon Thursday. We made popcorn and stood at the counter feeding it to each other while listening to jazz [still sounds like my idea of a perfect Thursday]. I made K-cup coffee and we made noises to it, like usual [Felix and I now have similar routines with the air popper and washing machine]. We played Niko/Polo [LOL] and ran around the house chasing each other [we still run around the house chasing each other - Felix and Ginny join in the fun now]. When K came home, we all went to Joey's for dinner [mmmm]. K left for MN early yesterday [who knew we'd end up living here?]. We got up at 5:30 to see him off. We watched cartoons (of course), played blocks, stickers twice, markers, bath, walk down Quincy, talked to K on the phone [this all sounds suspiciously like all the things we do now...]...

Niko is currently pulling all his books down [It's F's turn to do this now - Niko just hoards everything under his bed now]."

I could go on and on with the most mundane-to-you but wonderfully glorious and precious-to-me entries of our daily life. Keep 'em coming, I say.

My Rant About Life & Motherhood

It doesn't need to be said, but maybe it does. You've got so many moms not talking about their real lives and feelings, acting like they have it all together while feeling like miserable failures most of the time. I'm serious. I know enough moms to know this. I am a mom. I almost bought into the lie (I do buy into it sometimes) - moms are superwomen who can DO EVERYTHING and still be happy! Yes, we are superwomen; there's no doubt about that. But we can't do everything and be happy. We can't. We shouldn't. It's not our job. Our job is to show our children what it looks like to love, respect, and honor yourself, because that's kinda what we want for them when they grow up, right? We carry so much guilt and shame around with us - every time we yelled for a stupid reason, every time we said we were too busy to play, every time we chose work/chores/nap over our children. (Note: definitely choose naps over children; it will make everyone happier.) I try not to say no to my children when they want my attention. That doesn't mean I never say no. It means I try. Because there's no rewind button here. My years with them are limited, and already the older one has realized that I am neither his Sun nor his Moon. Maybe Saturn. Maybe Jupiter. One day too soon I will no longer exist in his solar system. The years are few and sacred. Dishes can wait. Laundry can wait. If you're going to blow off your kids, do it for the right reasons - because you need some you time. Read a book, watch a show, drink some coffee. Show them what it looks like to take care of yourself because in the end, you are the only one who will be with you forever. Every one else comes and goes. Teach them to embrace themselves, to feel the joy of self-love.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Spring & Creativity Updates

It's spring! So this post will be random and rambling and scattered and overly caffeinated. Yay!

K's birthday was last month. I made him a little blue knitted book cover, and I made one for my soul-sister, V, also.

K and N have been working on the garden. I'm the aloof supervisor who praises their work. That's the best way to supervise. I did my token green thumb duty of the year the other day by planting a geranium in a pot. His name is George, and I will hold him and love him forever. I plan on painting his name on his pot, so I'll post that when it's finished.


Mostly I just want to gush about how glorious the last few days have been. Spring is finally in the air and on the ground and in my heart. Spring is a worm, and I am an apple. Oy, don't get me started on apple blossoms.

We had many springy adventures over the weekend, including picnics and hikes and gardening and sitting on the front porch drinking Turkish coffee and watching tractors drive by. I colored with N while K made breakfast and F played on a blanket with some toys. Our dog, G, lazily explored and snoozed and ate crumbs. 

Yesterday, F, G, and I spent a good part of our day outside, more porch-sitting. Late afternoon, we went for a drive to convince F to take a nap. I grabbed a coffee and settled in for some book-reading. I opened a new poetry book present to myself (see older post). F wasn't having it, though, so I didn't get far. Still, there's something about spring that renews my love of reading. In winter, reading is more escapism, I think. In warmer months, reading is different. It's symbiotic. It's one with nature!

Lastly, I just want to say "Happy Birthday Two Weeks to me!" With the last few days feeling magical and marvelous, I figured why not start celebrating my birthday now? I'm so grateful to be alive, that my parents chose me, that Gaia welcomed me, that my birth made it possible for N & F to exist in the world. I love my birthday!

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Just Me

I've been doing a lot of soul searching. I've been thinking about all the people in my life, the good, the bad, the indifferent. People from the past and present, those who have been in my life all the way, those who are new. It's not easy. It's hard to just stop and take an honest look at your life and your relationships. I've done a lot of grieving, but I feel so much relief and freedom, too. I don't have to make relationships work. I don't have to like everyone. I don't have to please people. I'll be 37 years old in a few weeks, and damn, I think I'm only beginning to figure out who I am. I've always tried to be the person people want me to be. I feel like I've never had a voice. No more. Sorry not sorry.

I've also come to appreciate the precious few who are the real deal. Thank you. And those who aren't in the circle, well, I haven't given up on you. When and if you're willing to meet me half-way, I'm happy to invite you back in. You're welcome.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

I Heart Nurses

F will be ten months tomorrow! He's been struggling with illnesses the last several weeks, most likely caught from daycare or brought home from his big brother's school. Today I kept him home from daycare to make sure yesterday's high fever was truly gone, and because he was feeling well, we went to Baby Cafe, a breastfeeding support group hosted by the area hospital and located in the basement of a local church. It was good to be back! We had gone many times last fall before F started daycare. Today, there were a bunch of nursing students there on a field trip to observe and ask questions, and mostly to play with the babies. F had a group of young women swooning at his feet, handing him toys, stacking towers for him to smash, and tickling his feet. He forgot about me, mostly. While we were there, I got to chat with some of the older nurses from our area hospital. One, in particular, is recently retired, but we both recognized each other. We agreed she must have been on duty sometime during my labor, delivery, or post-delivery time last summer, but couldn't remember exactly when. It was only after we had been talking a bit, when she asked me a question about F's delivery, that I realized which nurse she was. I told her how she was there with me during labor, how I was crying from pain and exhaustion and fear, and she calmly and motheringly talked me down. I heart nurses. Through two pregnancies, two labors, two deliveries, two postpartum periods, and  the raising of two small children, nurses have made all the difference. They are overwhelmingly kind, compassionate, calming, and intuitive. I've had a few who were too curt or brief, but certainly not mean, but most have been people (mostly women) who I just want to hug and never let go and bring home with me to be part of my family. They always refuse, but I hope the sentiment makes them feel good.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Au Revoir, February.

Ima just pretend it's March 1st because I'm over these February blues. Why does the shortest month feel the longest? I don't want to rush through life, but February sucks. Every year. It's probably because I'm sick of winter by this point and have forgotten to take my Vitamin D for weeks now. I want to walk around in the fresh spring air and sun and listen to birds and watch Felix discover this beautiful planet and play in puddles with Niko after school. Until then, poetry helps. I opened my first present to myself today (I wrote about my wrapped pile of books earlier this year)!

I'm not 100% sure how copyright laws go, but I know I can share with you the Kafka quote that opens the book: "The man in ecstasy and the man drowning -- both throw up their arms." I have hopes for this one. TBC

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Créativité Numéro Trois

Okay, I didn't really do anything here, other than give Santa the idea and take some pictures, but just having the idea is my contribution. K found a few maple trees to tap and plans on making beer and a very small amount of syrup to taste. He also made IPA bread last weekend (so good) and is planning his weird contribution to a chili competition (we're going to a specialty meat market this weekend to find ingredients). It's nice to have partnered up with a fellow creative. Life would be so boring without doing things, alone and with your family. I am beginning to hate the TV and even this computer and am longing for spring. Yesterday Felix and I went for a hike with some friends, walking and talking. It was exactly what I needed after so much time sitting, staring at screens. Here's to more and more time outdoors.

Since I didn't do much and this is only loosely related to my creativity goals, I'll throw in an other thing. I made some pickled beets today. I won't bore you with a picture because they really just look like jars of purple something right now. I'm obsessed with fermented foods at the moment, mostly because they are essential to good health and ever since I've made sure to get some good stuff into my gut every day (yogurt, kefir, kombucha, kimchi), my body has felt so much better. I've made ginger carrots, kimchi, and the beets so far. I want to make my own kefir water and kombucha soon. Updates and pictures forthcoming.